Laurustina

I have been thinking about this space for a while now, mulling over its purpose at this point in my life. The joy of my “bloggy youth” is long gone. Even before we tore down lilywhiteintentions I had gotten lazy and disenchanted. Everything got too public. People I never intended to engage were suddenly peering over my shoulder. My words became weapons more than once. Then life got more complicated and I pulled up stakes, wandered around a bit and finally ended up here. I never did find my groove again, which left me frustrated and even more unmotivated to write.

Then, of course, the floor fell out of everything and I find myself changed, barely writing at all, only writing about Ash, and writing out of grief when I do manage to string a handful of words together. Its how I process. That bit hasn’t changed. And I suppose that half the truth is that I’ve been “processing” pubicly for so long that it is second nature, somehow part of the whole, um…process.

And so, I have been thinking, mulling…trying to decide if it is better to give this space up completely or change how I think of it and in doing so, how I use it. I realized tonight, how easy it would be to go back and fill in the blanks of the year before this one, a year of unimaginable changes, whirring and whirling so fast there was never time to write it all down. It would be good to do that. Therapeutic anyway. Not necessarily a spectator sport though.

I guess what I’m saying is that I’ve been doing this for so long (however infrequently these last couple of years) that I hardly know how to write anymore without it. But that doesn’t feel like enough to a reason (or the right reason, if you will) to write here, to keep this space alive.

I logged in today, only to see that I had eight draft posts, which is particularly pathetic, even for me. One was about movies (Pineapple Express made me laugh so hard that I snorted Diet Pepsi out of my nose, which I hadn’t done in much too long). Another was about a couple of books I just read, “They Shoot Horses, Don’t They” and Andrew Sullivan’s “Love Undetectable” which consists of three rather brilliant and wrenching essays. Another celebrated Solonor’s completion of my requisitioned cover of “House of the Rising Sun”, which deserves more explanation and kudos than I am going to give it here (hence the uncomplete draft that will be completed posthaste). The others are a mish-mash of holiday/family/angsty/nothingish rambling, which usually ends up getting deleted rather than posted, and in that way, well you’re not missing out on all that much. Now, if I don’t hit PUBLISH, I can see this post ending up drafted along with the rest, so here you go.

I try and try not to love the YouTubes, and then comes this:

The Question isn’t “Is America ready for a black President?” but “Is America ready for a smart President?”
- Jon Lovitz

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