I WANT MY FUCKING LIFE BACK (And YES, it’s all in caps because I am screaming at the top of my lungs)

Share

I want to not be invisible anymore.

I want to get up and shower and have somewhere to go.

I want to punch the people who talk about the recession being over.

I want to not have to choose between toilet paper or dog food.

I want to take back all the money I spent on the education that does me no good now.

I want to stop mending the waistband of five-year-old sweatpants.

I want to not consider two tacos for a dollar at Jack In The Box a splurge.

I want to walk into a job interview not reeking of desperation.

I want to be able to afford a simple goddamned urn for my daughter's ashes.

I want to pay just one bill on its due date, not have to wait until the FINAL NOTICE.

I want to be able to drive across town to pick my kid up so he doesn't have to walk in the rain.

I want to have a shit job to bitch about.

I want to not panic every time the doorbell rings unexpectedly.

I want to shop at the Dollar Store because I'm thrifty, not because it is the only way I can afford luxuries like body wash, toothpaste and laundry soap.

I want to split a tab or treat someone to something.

I want to wear contact lenses again, instead of these wobbly old glasses.

I want to be able to buy a present for my goddaughters.

I want to go to the theater to see a movie and pay for my own damn ticket.

I want to drive a completely legal car legally.

I want to not have to choose between buying tampons or a pound of ground beef.

I want to buy a book that ISN'T on the 25-cent rack at the Thrift Store.

I want to stop avoiding my friends because they're pitying or worse.

I want to not have to invent new ways to rearrange my resume and STILL get no response.

I want to get my dogs their shots so I can take them to the park.

I want to drive to Santa Cruz to visit my dying friend.

I want to pay for a haircut, instead of using the kitchen scissors to “even up the ends again”.

I want to use good trash bags.

I want to wake up without dread that today is the day it will all come tumbling down.

I want to consider owning a spicebox and a mortar and pestle NOT a pipe dream.

I want a new bra.

I want to feel like a real person again.

I want to BE a real person again.

 

I am sick to death of this Middle Class poverty (not a penny to my name, but the remnants of a better life all around me)

I am sick to death of dumbing down my resume, groveling for jobs I could have done at sixteen and STILL not getting hired.

I am sick to death of feeling powerless.

I am sick to death of explaining to other people that “getting a job at McDonalds” is not as simple as they think.

I am sick to death of tailoring my resume to each job and STILL not getting a response from 99% of the companies I apply to.

I am sick to death of people telling me that I “really should see a doctor” when nothing would please me more, except that I can't afford to do so.

I am sick to death of not even getting interviewed for open positions, and then getting crappy service from the person they DID hire when I didn't even get an interview.

I am sick to death of turning down invitations to do things with friends, because I can't afford to do so.

I am sick to death of apologizing and being shamed and embarrassed for being one of the long-term unemployed.

I am sick to death of pretending that holidays don't exist because I can't afford to celebrate them.

I am sick to death of throwing away 2/3 of my mail without even opening it because I know that there's a bill or a statement from someone I owe that I can't afford to pay.

I am sick to death of hiding, being quiet, trying to play nice, mentally composing suicide letters, trying to figure out who can take care of my dogs/cat/kid when it all goes to hell like it is bound to do.

I am sick to death of being unable to pay my own way.

I am sick to death of people telling me that “it could be worse”, because I know that it could and I am convinced that it will and I am only biding my time in this limbo which is a certain kind of hell all its own.

I am sick to death of these conversations where my friends and I try to brainstorm ways to get the hell out of this town/state/country in hopes that there is some place where we can trade hard work for decent wages and crawl out of the hellhole we've fallen into.

I am sick to death of having to look my son in the eye and admit that I have failed him, that I failed his sister, that I have failed us all.

I am sick. And sad. And exhausted. And undone.

 

*[cross-posted at The Daily Kos]

This entry was posted in Being, Matter and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

7 Responses to I WANT MY FUCKING LIFE BACK (And YES, it’s all in caps because I am screaming at the top of my lungs)

  1. 2laneIA says:

    Send me an email, please.

  2. Ken says:

    I can say that I have an easy answer for all of your “wants”but my cynical optimist inner me never says”I am sick to death” of anything. It gets better, always.

  3. sd says:

    Please email me. I have an idea.

  4. Maybe “it gets better” — but first it gets a lot worse. I’m with laurustina on this one.

    Thanks for enunciating what so many of us are feeling.

  5. the capt says:

    So this is YOUR fault? You’ve failed “us all”? Damnit. Now I have to reassess the entire political and socio-economic belief structure o’ blame that seemed to make so much sense mere moments ago. bugger.

  6. sizzle says:

    I wish there was something I could do to help. Not out of pity but because I can imagine being in that place and feeling like I would want to SCREAM until I lost my voice out of panic/frustration/sorrow/anger. Because you are a powerful person who isn’t feeling powerful and that fucking pissing me off about the state of the world.

  7. I can, unfortunately, totally relate to this. Yeah, there are specific points that don’t necessarily apply to my life, but there are more that do than don’t. We’re all in this together, I just wish I knew what we could do to dig ourselves out of this.

Comments are closed.